And mull this over before I cram it down my throat.
anyway, lots to think about. I seem to be doubting myself a lot lately. It just seems everything I do now is under the microscope, nothing I say can be taken at face value, like itapos;s got some hidden danger that will trigger unexpectedly unless found and dismantled. Even Iapos;m not sure exactly what is going on in my brain at the moment. It appears that a rather nasty side of me is beginning to manifest, I have this compelling voice in my head that delights in self deprivation. It pushes me onward when continuing will only hurt.
Also the all stable pillars of a few things in my life are beginning to crumble, it seems I had built the most glorious facade about a faulty structure, reveled in its apparent perfection and am left shaken and weak as the true nature begins to shine through. Despite the inundation of social contact I feel lonely and abandoned, friendship here seems to boast replacement but pails in comparison to the love I left behind. I feel as though I spent so long shunning normal human interaction that now it is foreign and hostile to me, even though the factors that drive me away from people are largely absent I canapos;t regain the skills I lost. I have an appealing extroversion but my abrasive personality outcompetes the good first impression.
Upon all of this, Iapos;ve realized that no deserved or earned success will change my mood. Nothing is ever good enough, no matter how much I accomplish or achieve it brings me no happiness. Chance encounters seem to be the only thing that can significantly alter my mood, and this fact is depressing because I have never been much for luck. It seems like the only way I could be permanently happy is if I threw my life to the winds and somehow came up on top. And with my luck and cautious nature this will never happen.
One day I wish I will have more confidence. The number of beautiful girls I see every day is astounding. Iapos;m seeing a bizarre correlation, it seems that my appreciation of feminine beauty has increased dramatically, and somehow my libido is decreasing. Although all this is academic because Iapos;ll never have the courage to act on the appreciation I have. I feel like the world would be a better place if a shy young man could tell a beautiful girl that she is beautiful without being judged as creepy or weird. But alas this is not the world we have.
I can only hope that this foreboding sense of doubt fades.
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